Thursday, July 7, 2011
Back and Forth
I go back and forth in my life right now. Sometimes I feel that I want a companion to talk to, tell the little things and listen to them, a natural give and take. Not having that for so long has been difficult. Even when I was in my past relationship I didn't have that because it was always about him, his life, his addictions, what he wanted to do and how he felt. I took all of my emotions and put them aside and never dealt with them.
You cannot turn away from yourself so long and not have consequences. The belittling, the pain of not being listened to, the general dislike, the negativity, the drug use, the verbal abuse, the manipulation and the narcissism it all creates the perfect storm and an incredible implosion when reality sets in.
But this time, I will find a companion who is not lost in what drugs he can take and what dress he can pick out to make himself feel better. I will pick someone who is like me, who feels better when they know that the person that they're with is happy and feels good. And, they have enough self left in them to appreciate someone else like I will appreciate them! I will find someone who believes every day, waking up and sharing another day together is the most precious gift.
I am not saying I am perfect but I have a positive attitude, a strong mind and I understand the importance of loving. I understand clearly, you must give love to receive it. Also, when you don't receive it back, have enough kindness for yourself to move on. Everyone deserves love and respect. It starts with loving and respecting yourself.
I miss the most just having someone to call and say, "Hey, can you listen to me, can you just hold me for a minute until I feel better". That soft place for a soul to fall. That is what I've been missing and yearning for in my life for many years now. That was the void I was trying to fill.
It's not just going to be any "body" though. This time around, I am going to give myself and the other person the time we need to understand and know each other. While I am looking I am going to practice patience and kindness. I am not going to have expectations. I am just going to observe and learn.
So, I go back and forth..sometimes appreciating my time alone and other times, like when the darkness sets in, hugging my pillow and lost in my tears...
I'll get through this, you just watch.. I am strong and proud of myself and I love myself. I've come a long way baby! I forgive my past and move forward with faith and love.