It's not that kind of love.
It's the kind that when I think of you,
I wish there was more I could do.
It's the kind that knows with a certainty true,
That our love is the most violet shade of blue.
It's the kind of love that words make useless.
It's the purety of heart that flows into the river of always.
It's the kind of love that is like a stitch,
And binds us together in the fabric of life.
How to say goodbye?
Stick a needle in my eye.
It would hurt less.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I spoke my pieces at this event. Great Venue and wonderful people. If you click on the link you will see a picture of the performers (including me!). :) Enjoy the article...
The Word Spoken at Derby City Espresso [Downtown]
The Word Spoken at Derby City Espresso [Downtown]
I believe in the things unseen,
I believe in the feelings in my soul,
I believe the clouds have eyes.
I believe what we think is real, are lies.
I believe in the tingle in my heart,
I believe it’s all there to see,
I believe the spiral connects,
I believe we all know this,
I believe we forget.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
The hook, the bobber, the sinker, the pole
The lines, the tension, the string, the goal,
Early rising, into the morning,
The mist of the river floats softly to the shore,
The crisp water snapping with life,
The intimate action of stringing the pole,
Preparing it for the day,
Readying the rod in anticipation of the cast,
Bringing in goodness for sustenance,
Feelings of triumph,
Feelings of joy,
Feelings of love,
Reeling it in.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I go back and forth in my life right now. Sometimes I feel that I want a companion to talk to, tell the little things and listen to them, a natural give and take. Not having that for so long has been difficult. Even when I was in my past relationship I didn't have that because it was always about him, his life, his addictions, what he wanted to do and how he felt. I took all of my emotions and put them aside and never dealt with them.
You cannot turn away from yourself so long and not have consequences. The belittling, the pain of not being listened to, the general dislike, the negativity, the drug use, the verbal abuse, the manipulation and the narcissism it all creates the perfect storm and an incredible implosion when reality sets in.
But this time, I will find a companion who is not lost in what drugs he can take and what dress he can pick out to make himself feel better. I will pick someone who is like me, who feels better when they know that the person that they're with is happy and feels good. And, they have enough self left in them to appreciate someone else like I will appreciate them! I will find someone who believes every day, waking up and sharing another day together is the most precious gift.
I am not saying I am perfect but I have a positive attitude, a strong mind and I understand the importance of loving. I understand clearly, you must give love to receive it. Also, when you don't receive it back, have enough kindness for yourself to move on. Everyone deserves love and respect. It starts with loving and respecting yourself.
I miss the most just having someone to call and say, "Hey, can you listen to me, can you just hold me for a minute until I feel better". That soft place for a soul to fall. That is what I've been missing and yearning for in my life for many years now. That was the void I was trying to fill.
It's not just going to be any "body" though. This time around, I am going to give myself and the other person the time we need to understand and know each other. While I am looking I am going to practice patience and kindness. I am not going to have expectations. I am just going to observe and learn.
So, I go back and forth..sometimes appreciating my time alone and other times, like when the darkness sets in, hugging my pillow and lost in my tears...
I'll get through this, you just watch.. I am strong and proud of myself and I love myself. I've come a long way baby! I forgive my past and move forward with faith and love.
Monday, July 4, 2011
I had a dream last night 7/4/2011
I was driving my car really fast and came up to a bank and flew across it, just like in the big action movies. I stopped because another car was also moving fast and didn’t make it. I got out and went over to help them out.
Lying in a ditch were a man and a woman and two boys. The boys were babies. When I went down in the ditch and tried to help them. The female said she was from South Africa and the male said he was from Australia. They were here in the U.S. together but they didn’t want anyone to know they were together. I helped them get their son. I thought I saw two children but they said there was only one.
After I went to help them to go to the hospital I got in my car to leave. In the car was the other boy. He had Downs Syndrome and I thought he was dead. His little body was bloated and blue. I handed him to the paramedics. They thought he was dead too. But, as I handed him over there was a tiny bit of movement. We were all surprised. They worked hard and were able to bring him to life again.
He went to the hospital and got well. I adopted the little boy and then had the flash of my life playing out with him and how much fun we had. He was a gift to me from the couple who only wanted their healthy son.
Freud said that people in your dreams are representative of yourself. The young baby who almost died and has Down Syndrome is me. It is the part of me that almost died when I was living under a cloud of dust that was not meant for me to live under.
Now that the cloud of dust has dissipated and is gone from my life, I can be the person I want to be. I can laugh, play and enjoy my life in the peace that is meant for all to enjoy their life. I can embrace who I am and what I believe and not have to live under the thumb of another’s dreams, beliefs and ideals.
This day is really my independence day.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
My heart has the tenderest spot for even the peach that happens to fall from the tree.
We are all like the peaches,
There are so many of us.
Some with worm holes,
Others grown on a branch that gets broken,
Still others left on the vine to rot.
I would rather be the fruit, tenderly eaten with love,
Than be the fruit that goes to waste in the garden.
Let me be the fruit that is enjoyed to my fullest,
Before my return to this earth.
We are all from the earth and go back to the earth,
While we are hear may our fruit be the sweetest and most loving.
And may every bite be enjoyed!