White Binders

One holds love
One holds hope
One holds faith
One is empty
One is full
One holds pain
One holds questions
One holds answers

They all hold a meaning for me.
So much of my life is in a white binder.
I am being held together by white binders.
I am being put back together by white binders.

Devoured

Handed over my life on a silver platter /br/ You ate veraciously /br/ Devouring every last drop /br/ Throwing the plate against the wall. /br/ It shatters /br/ Nothing left of who I was /br Grateful the seed of my spirit inside me grows I will be recreated I will grow strong Ready to be lifted onto another plate Ready to be devoured agsin By life & Love. Grateful and unafraid.

I learned

I learned
You told me not to cry,

I learned to stuff it back inside,
I learned to cry in the dark,
I learned that "having allergies" was handy,
You told me I was not desirable,
I learned I desire myself,
You told me I couldn't do anything right,
I learned my heart knows the way,

I learned that I am okay.

I learned to take the tears, desire and love,

I learned to stop pushing it all inside,

I learned it is okay to fail, be fat & imperfect.

I learned I need love, affection and a peaceful life,

I learned that anger will not make a good wife.

I learned to let go and let it out....
I learned I cannot stuff all my pain inside...
I learned that I don't have to sacrifice myself
... What did you learn?

Ambulance Memories

The day my Dad died I rode in an ambulance with him to the hospital. Being in the vehicle and hearing the sirens, now every time I hear an ambulance I think of that day. I think of my looking back at him and knowing that he was gone but not sure how to wrap my head around it all. For many months since, every time I hear an ambulance I think of that ride to the hospital with him.

The sounds of the siren have stuck with me. This morning, driving to work I saw an ambulance but it's name and the fact that it was an ambulance was covered up with paint. Someone had bought it and it was now someone's personal car.

This reminded me of my Dad. When I was around 15 years old, my dad bought a used ambulance. I remember it had a big unit on the top. We didn't have it long, but it was kind of cool. I remember it well.

This got me to thinking about life. My Dad always tried new things. He wasn't afraid to buy a boat, ambulance, Cadillac, whatever he wanted. His dreams changed with his life. I see that all dreams change with life and we have to flow along with them.

I am glad I can change my thinking about the ambulance to remember that my Daddy owned one once too. That is the coolest thing. :)

That day, I got to make him breakfast, coffee, enjoy his beautiful happy laugh and smile, be there when he was passing, hear his last breath. It was the "worst" day of my life but I am thinking now maybe it was the best day of my life. I had the chance to say goodbye, to hold his hand, to love him to the next realm. I am thankful for that.

And, I once owned an ambulance thanks to him too. :) It was yellow.

The Wasp

The Wasp

Last year, I got stung by a wasp. It hurt so badly and my head was puffed up for a week. I am a peaceful being. I don’t want to harm anything. But, this resentment has built up against the wasp. On Sunday last, I was trying to drown another wasp in the pool. What if this wasp that I tried to drown was the wasp that would tell the other wasps not to hurt people? What if I just killed the one wasp that could have really made a difference? It wasn’t the same wasp who stung me.
This may be how people feel. They hold resentments. I have a friend who had a bad time with a woman. He feels that she has really ruined a big part of his life. His resentment builds up. He doesn’t have the opportunity to take the resentment out on her, so subconsciously and sometimes consciously, he takes it out on the nearest woman.

I have to learn to heal myself. So that I don’t hold resentment against anything. The wasp that stung me was probably being protective of itself. It didn’t want me to swat at it on my head, so it stung me, over and over again.

It works the same way for Martin Luther King, President Lincoln, and President Kennedy… Or, anyone who has been murdered. What resentments were built up to create someone who would want to harm another human being? What long line of memories, history, feelings, etc. created the person who would take a gun and shoot someone?

I am contemplating this important message. I am seeing how we create anger and how it can be dispensed. I hope that we can overcome this issue.

Picture of wasp located off the internet.

Work & Love ~ Random Writings

Getting up early and getting off to work. A part of my life for 35 years. That is a long time to be working. I have been in the actual work force for 35 years this year. That doesn’t count the several years of babysitting I did when I was 13,14 and 15. I was just learning about taking care of things and people then. Now I have done it for a long time. I have spend 15 of those years working as a bookstore manager and 15 of those years working at UPS. With the other five, I guess those were filler times for me..working at L&K restaurant and motel, Waffle House, Ponderosa, Stouffers Hotel in Houston… So glad I walked into the bookstore and got a job. They say do what you love and I love books. That was the best job of my life, even if it was the hardest. I loved books all my life and they make me happy. I love the authors I love and I will always be grateful for books for leading me to my life now.

Truly, if I followed my bliss, it was and always will be to work and write. Being a writer is something I have always wanted and always appreciated. I think that the bravest people in the world are the people who bare their soul in their writing. Many, not even realizing how much we show in our writing. Even me, write now. I show my true spirit and soul when I write. I show how much I love and care about this world.

I had a thought about pre-grieving this morning. When we pre-grieve people, we tend to pull away from them. Why? Just for the same reason you instinctively pull your hands away from a hot stove. We know there will be pain there, we know that we will experience it, and we shy away from it. If only we could look at it a different way when it comes to the pain of loss. If only , we could embrace it and love it to the finish. For me, that is hard, I am inclined to pull away because I am afraid of the hurt. But, I work through it. I will not be that person who shies away from love because I am afraid of the pain. Any good thing we have comes with love and pain. That is just a fact, Jack. So, get over it. Take the good with the bad and move on along. Be grateful for the pain because that shows you can truly love.

Hope Strippers

Hope Strippers

They slide down the pole of discontent
Wrapping their tongues wildy,
Kneading their bodies frantically,
Gyrating to the sound of emptiness
Stripping away the faith,
Lying in wait,
They prey on the innocent.


Waiting on a buck,
Getting it with their luck,
Dancing the dance,
of petulance.


Run do not walk,
Away from this talk,


Close your eyes to their dance,
Before you get in a trance,
If you can not find your stance,
Then, remember the chance,
That was taken,
When they strip you of hope.


You must be on dope.
To watch this stripper of hope,
But, remember, that things are not what they seem,
and this is only a dream,
and we reap what we sew,
so be in the know...
& Let go.

Swoons, Balloons, Moons

Swoons, Balloons, Moons

Breath shallow,
Gasping,
Can't breath
Small, quick breaths
Steady now,
Okay

Stuck high,
Grasping,
Can't reach
Sticks, not working,
Helping hands
Okay


Looking up,
Clasping,
Can't relax,
Big Sigh, smile
Let Go,
Okay

Swoons, Balloons, Moons

Starry Starry Night, (Vincent) Secrets of Old Age

Daddy missing you today  . Thank you for sending this to me in email a couple of years ago. I like looking back at your emails. I love you and miss you.









Dad

King Crimson ★ Cadence and Cascade

WE ONLY SERVE FORYOU.

Rosanne Cash - Modern Blue

Pink Floyd - Shine on You Crazy Diamond

Big Red Balloon

A big Red Balloon, Stretched to it's limits. How do you make it better? How do you relieve the pressure? I don't know the answer I am sure there is one. God help me find the answer Before it pops.

If someone knows the answer, then please. Share it with my friend, His balloon is about to pop. Can we let off some pressure? Can we let off some steam? Is it just a dream, Can you change your mind? And then you will change the scheme.

It's so stretched now it covers all space, It really and truly is right in my face, I can see you and the pain you are in, Because the big red balloon has to win.

Help, The balloon is so full, It hurts in here, I need relief, I need grief, I need to let go, and off it flies.. the air let out and hits my eyes. I see now.

It was just air. And the illusion that there was something else there. I hope it helps people to see There is nothing there but air and it can be let be.

Really.

Lines, Signs, Breath and Conscience

Lines, straight and neat in the cold, at my feet. Lines, long and linear, not hear not far, just near. Lines, they go on and on..they do.
Signs, they run up the length of our lives Signs, they run down the backsides, Signs, they are everywhere, read them, listen.
Breath, it comes out and goes in, Breath, it makes us understand, Breath, enjoy them before the last one.
Conscience, We have it and we will it. Conscience, with words, actions and life. Lines, Signs, Breath and Conscience.

Unintended Consequences

Unintended Consequences

The unintended Consequences of an abrupt life.
What are they? And in what lies the strife?
Why do we make the choices we make,
Why do we fake the choices we fake?


Why do we lie and think it will get us high.
Why don't we see that the truth lies in nothing,
The truth lies in the beginnings of not doing.
If we allow the unintended consequences, then we still do make a choice.
We make the choice to flow with our intentions which can be unintended!


Who knew the unintended consequences of our intended transactions.
Are the just reactions or more a flow of the laws of energy and nature?
That is the question, that really needs answered,
Unintended Consequences are actually the intention of the intended,
That is the backward law we have trouble amending.
That we take are dark souls and we blow them to bits,
and wonder why the remainders will just be lit.
Held close to the fire and burned and scorched,
Till we find the unintended consequences are not be torched.
The unintended consequences make it right through the fire.
The ones that say you are a jealous, thief and a liar.


That you continue not to see the ways of your consequences,
Are unintended and not of your senses,
That you can't smell the burning flesh as it rots,
The decay and the snots
and all of the lots


That you are burning so intentionally hot,
To dispute that you don't and say you are not.
The unintended losses, the unintended gains,
Of thinking your black soul will always reign.
Sometimes the good will over come the bad,
No, not sometimes, you are definitely had.
The good will over come the bad and that is the intended consequences,
of your black heart and forsaken self that you left at the fences.
You think you can win but you lose and you lose.
You think you can win but you choose and you choose.
Even in the not choosing you lose,
because your unintended consquences come through when you snooze.


She fights hard to save them the consequences intended,
in her illusions her mind is so bended
but she will not come clean with herself until she sees.
That she lies to the government to acquiese her needs.
She lies and she struggles and she lays about,
not seeing the unintended consequences will give her no doubt.
That she thinks she is wise and smart beyond belief.
When she is a pawn for a judge who wants financial relief.


Ultimately, the unintended consequences are perceived.

Schimpff's Candy!!

http://www.youtube.com/v/vb2NsEQN1GY?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autohide=1&attribution_tag=RtjgVmEwXgZBnf0H2xniYA&autoplay=1

Happiness & Forgiveness

Happiness. Happiness definately comes from within. We have to feel happiness despite all that is going on around us sometimes. We cannot let the things that happen to us, define us. That is the key to getting over the things that happen. I think that the poem If, by Rudyard Kipling really says it all. Let not happiness/sadness over take us. The duality of life. That you can have the worst things going on but still get up every day and make a decision that it will be a good day. Despite all that is looming and all that fear, it will be the best day that you can have. Because, really it is the only day you have. You do not have the past, it is done. You do not have the future, it is yet to be. Right now, at this moment, this is all you have.
Forgiveness. How do you teach or show someone that forgiveness is the path to peace. How do you help them realize that their inner peace and happiness will only come by embracing (mentally) those who have hurt you and tell them AND your inner self that you forgive them, that you understand you perceived as a wrong was just a perception. That you forgive yourself for only seeing your perception and for allowing the anger/resentment/jealousy/hate to seep in because of fear. Fear will help to promote the feeling that you shouldn't forgive, let go, let love. Because Fear is a tool to keep the darker feelings there. You begin to feel that you need the fear and anger to live, even though you really don't. When you come to the point of standing right on the ledge of your worst fears and then they happen. What else do you have to lose or gain if you just embrace the way it is and let go. Let life, let things happen as they will happen and just realize that no matter what you have people in your life who love you, who support you, who want you to be happy. Make your enemies mad, BE HAPPY ANYWAY! Accept it for what it is, don't allow anyone to dictate your happiness. Embrace forgiveness. Believe in it. It really works. It is hard and tears you up to realize and humble yourself that your perception of things may be a little skewed. ...but after the rain and darkness comes the rainbow of knowledge that you can let go, you can forgive, you can even love those who hurt you. Because ultimately it is inside of us to know that we are on a journey and nothing in this journey is real. It is our imaginings. No money, no lives, nothing is real except the learning, forgiving, and loving anyway.

Emerson, Lake & Palmer - Lucky Man

MARTIN YOU RAISE ME UP - Yes you did...and still do.

Starry Starry Night, (Vincent) Secrets of Old Age