White Binders

One holds love
One holds hope
One holds faith
One is empty
One is full
One holds pain
One holds questions
One holds answers

They all hold a meaning for me.
So much of my life is in a white binder.
I am being held together by white binders.
I am being put back together by white binders.

Devoured

Handed over my life on a silver platter /br/ You ate veraciously /br/ Devouring every last drop /br/ Throwing the plate against the wall. /br/ It shatters /br/ Nothing left of who I was /br Grateful the seed of my spirit inside me grows I will be recreated I will grow strong Ready to be lifted onto another plate Ready to be devoured agsin By life & Love. Grateful and unafraid.

I learned

I learned
You told me not to cry,

I learned to stuff it back inside,
I learned to cry in the dark,
I learned that "having allergies" was handy,
You told me I was not desirable,
I learned I desire myself,
You told me I couldn't do anything right,
I learned my heart knows the way,

I learned that I am okay.

I learned to take the tears, desire and love,

I learned to stop pushing it all inside,

I learned it is okay to fail, be fat & imperfect.

I learned I need love, affection and a peaceful life,

I learned that anger will not make a good wife.

I learned to let go and let it out....
I learned I cannot stuff all my pain inside...
I learned that I don't have to sacrifice myself
... What did you learn?

Ambulance Memories

The day my Dad died I rode in an ambulance with him to the hospital. Being in the vehicle and hearing the sirens, now every time I hear an ambulance I think of that day. I think of my looking back at him and knowing that he was gone but not sure how to wrap my head around it all. For many months since, every time I hear an ambulance I think of that ride to the hospital with him.

The sounds of the siren have stuck with me. This morning, driving to work I saw an ambulance but it's name and the fact that it was an ambulance was covered up with paint. Someone had bought it and it was now someone's personal car.

This reminded me of my Dad. When I was around 15 years old, my dad bought a used ambulance. I remember it had a big unit on the top. We didn't have it long, but it was kind of cool. I remember it well.

This got me to thinking about life. My Dad always tried new things. He wasn't afraid to buy a boat, ambulance, Cadillac, whatever he wanted. His dreams changed with his life. I see that all dreams change with life and we have to flow along with them.

I am glad I can change my thinking about the ambulance to remember that my Daddy owned one once too. That is the coolest thing. :)

That day, I got to make him breakfast, coffee, enjoy his beautiful happy laugh and smile, be there when he was passing, hear his last breath. It was the "worst" day of my life but I am thinking now maybe it was the best day of my life. I had the chance to say goodbye, to hold his hand, to love him to the next realm. I am thankful for that.

And, I once owned an ambulance thanks to him too. :) It was yellow.

The Wasp

The Wasp

Last year, I got stung by a wasp. It hurt so badly and my head was puffed up for a week. I am a peaceful being. I don’t want to harm anything. But, this resentment has built up against the wasp. On Sunday last, I was trying to drown another wasp in the pool. What if this wasp that I tried to drown was the wasp that would tell the other wasps not to hurt people? What if I just killed the one wasp that could have really made a difference? It wasn’t the same wasp who stung me.
This may be how people feel. They hold resentments. I have a friend who had a bad time with a woman. He feels that she has really ruined a big part of his life. His resentment builds up. He doesn’t have the opportunity to take the resentment out on her, so subconsciously and sometimes consciously, he takes it out on the nearest woman.

I have to learn to heal myself. So that I don’t hold resentment against anything. The wasp that stung me was probably being protective of itself. It didn’t want me to swat at it on my head, so it stung me, over and over again.

It works the same way for Martin Luther King, President Lincoln, and President Kennedy… Or, anyone who has been murdered. What resentments were built up to create someone who would want to harm another human being? What long line of memories, history, feelings, etc. created the person who would take a gun and shoot someone?

I am contemplating this important message. I am seeing how we create anger and how it can be dispensed. I hope that we can overcome this issue.

Picture of wasp located off the internet.

Work & Love ~ Random Writings

Getting up early and getting off to work. A part of my life for 35 years. That is a long time to be working. I have been in the actual work force for 35 years this year. That doesn’t count the several years of babysitting I did when I was 13,14 and 15. I was just learning about taking care of things and people then. Now I have done it for a long time. I have spend 15 of those years working as a bookstore manager and 15 of those years working at UPS. With the other five, I guess those were filler times for me..working at L&K restaurant and motel, Waffle House, Ponderosa, Stouffers Hotel in Houston… So glad I walked into the bookstore and got a job. They say do what you love and I love books. That was the best job of my life, even if it was the hardest. I loved books all my life and they make me happy. I love the authors I love and I will always be grateful for books for leading me to my life now.

Truly, if I followed my bliss, it was and always will be to work and write. Being a writer is something I have always wanted and always appreciated. I think that the bravest people in the world are the people who bare their soul in their writing. Many, not even realizing how much we show in our writing. Even me, write now. I show my true spirit and soul when I write. I show how much I love and care about this world.

I had a thought about pre-grieving this morning. When we pre-grieve people, we tend to pull away from them. Why? Just for the same reason you instinctively pull your hands away from a hot stove. We know there will be pain there, we know that we will experience it, and we shy away from it. If only we could look at it a different way when it comes to the pain of loss. If only , we could embrace it and love it to the finish. For me, that is hard, I am inclined to pull away because I am afraid of the hurt. But, I work through it. I will not be that person who shies away from love because I am afraid of the pain. Any good thing we have comes with love and pain. That is just a fact, Jack. So, get over it. Take the good with the bad and move on along. Be grateful for the pain because that shows you can truly love.

Hope Strippers

Hope Strippers

They slide down the pole of discontent
Wrapping their tongues wildy,
Kneading their bodies frantically,
Gyrating to the sound of emptiness
Stripping away the faith,
Lying in wait,
They prey on the innocent.


Waiting on a buck,
Getting it with their luck,
Dancing the dance,
of petulance.


Run do not walk,
Away from this talk,


Close your eyes to their dance,
Before you get in a trance,
If you can not find your stance,
Then, remember the chance,
That was taken,
When they strip you of hope.


You must be on dope.
To watch this stripper of hope,
But, remember, that things are not what they seem,
and this is only a dream,
and we reap what we sew,
so be in the know...
& Let go.